An Answer!

 Well, I got an answer. It wasn't the one I wanted, but it's an answer and I'm relieved to finally. I'm pretty sure Fares blocked me on LinkedIn. His profile is no longer visible to me. Which tells me maybe he DOES remember me and not so fondly. Which is what I wanted to know. 

I'm a little sad, because I didn't want to reconnect and speak with him. But at least now I know he's out there. I guess. I don't know 100% that that was him, but there's a high probability. 

I wish him well. I wish I had gotten to speak with him, but I wish him well in life.

Is there anyone out there?

 I can't tell if this is posting or not. I don't know if anyone is reading this. I'm just putting this out to the Universe. I just realized how hard it is to find me on Google because in North Carolina there are towns with my name. Anyone looking for me is going to get a geography lesson about NC. :/

So if Fares ever looked for me, he would not have found me. I've tried to make myself easier to find, but that still requires him to look again. If he ever looked the first time.

I'm putting this out to the Universe that I want Fares to find me. Please look for me......

So even if no one else is reading this, at least it's out there.

Unfinished Business

 I can't stop thinking about Fares. Several weeks ago I prayed about this situation, because it just wasn't going away. So I prayed. The next morning, something sent me to LinkedIn. I go on there about once every 6 months. It's rare I go there. I searched his name. I typed Fares and before I got 4 letters into the last name a photo popped up. My heart started racing because I think "It's HIM!" I sat on it for a day then decided to be an adult and clicked "connect" with a vague message of "I think I know you". I should have added a little more detail to that in case he saw it in his email and shrugged it off.

That was about 3 weeks ago, maybe 4 now and he hasn't responded. It's still listed as Pending, so he didn't reject me, but he also hasn't responded. 

This is insane, but I cannot stop thinking about Fares. NOT in a romantic way, this was never about that. At least not for me. But I just feel like I need to talk to him. Unfortunately, on LinkenIn, you have to have a premium membership to send messages to someone you are not connected to. BOTH parties have to have it. Since I can't presume he does, I have to wait and see if he ever connects with me.

WHY would I be led to LinkedIn to be sitting in pending purgatory? I keep waiting and praying for his well-being. Because I feel like SOMETHING is pushing me toward reconnecting with him.

Haunted by my poor decisions

 I read a lot. I recently finished a great historical novel about Nancy Wake, who was a soldier in the French Resistance during WWII. Again, a GREAT book, called Code Name Helene. Of course, reading about France brought up the thoughts of of my pen pals, specifically Fares. I'm putting it out there to the Universe that I'd like to find out how he is. But I can't find his letters anymore. I think I lost them in a move ten years ago. And I never knew how to spell his last name properly. So I'm not likely to find him on my own.

I don't know what I expect. Like, what, I miraculously find him, he remembers me fondly, totally forgives me and we are BFF's? I get absolution from him for being an asshole to him almost 30 years ago? But since I have hit a dead end in finding him, he would have to be the one to look for me. And that's not likely to happen, right? Unless he's out there searching for Hope Broadway that went to NC State in the 1990s and lived in Carroll Hall and then Alexander Hall. He probably burnt my letters back in the day after I blew him off and then never thought of me again. Because that's what you do when someone is rude to you. I'm so sorry. You deserved better. I owe you thanks, too, because you DID make me think and you gave me INXS. I hope you are doing well, that you got married to an amazing woman, had 4 kids and now have 8 grandkids and more on the way and have a nice, comfortable life.

I can't even tell if anyone is reading this.

Music

 I posted this meme to Facebook earlier today that said "Empaths don't just listen to music for entertainment it's a spiritual experience when we listen to music we like, it does something to our soul." 

And that is so truth. EVERY thing in my life connects to music. Every experience. Every moment. The song "When I See You Smile" reminds me of the time period just after my dad's death. I was packing to go to my grandmother's for his funeral (he lived in a different town) and that song was on the radio. It was so fitting for the whole situation.

Music is just so tied into my life. I think about college and the music associated with it. 

I think about times with my best friend, a fellow empath. We ALWAYS had music going. 

Music is this beautiful, amazing thing.

What's poppin?

 I don't update this blog nearly as often as I should. It's been almost 4 years since I posted about Fares. Still think about him. That's what I do, overthink and obsess about missteps I made 25 years ago. I still wish I could apologize to him. Would be interested to see where he ended up in life.

Not even sure anyone is out there reading this. If you are, cheers! I hope you're having a good year so far. January has been.... interesting. We did have a good Holiday season, though. My Christmas tree is still up. I left our Easter wreath on the door until November. I probably won't leave the tree up that long.....

We have been able to survive this global pandemic. It's been almost two years. Edgar finished first grade and did all of second grade virtually. My job basically closed down. I went from 40 hours a week to maybe ten. It got crazy scary for awhile, but we made it through. At least it allowed me to stay home with Edgar. I eventually got back up to 20 hours or so a week, partly in the office and partly at home. Since September, I've been back in the office 30 hours a week and Edgar is back in school in-person for third grade. I must admit, I miss being home with him. Allen worked pretty much the whole pandemic, although they did go to a rotation of three days on, six days off in small groups for a little while. No one was in the buildings, so they didn't need to do many repairs, just preventative stuff. Between his salary, stimulus funds and unemployment in 2020, we have managed to get by. We even adopted a pair of cats in 2020 - siblings. A boy and a girl. They've been good companions for Edgar.

We survived, but I have not thrived. Other people were learning new things, baking banana bread and working out. I was not. I've been fighting my anxiety and depression. I've been in my head almost the whole time. There were weeks when I didn't go out, I didn't want to be around people. It was frightening. The politicalization of the pandemic has just been so mind blowing. Like what in the actual fuck is wrong with people?

We lost some people, extended family members, church members.... That was incredibly sad. Just heartbreaking and also enraging, because it was so unnecessary. We've had extended family get the virus and fight it off. We have been so blessed to have avoided it. Part of it is because I stay the fuck at home. When I do go out, I'm masked. I got my vaccine. It's not that hard. I have gotten a lot of reading done and seen some movies, binged a lot of shows on all the streaming services we have. I try not to think about how we can't control our circles. Like we come into contact with my colleagues, Allen's colleagues, Edgar's teachers and classmates. And who are THOSE people coming into contact with. It just widens our circle of exposure. And when I let myself think about it, my anxiety spirals. So I try NOT to think about it and just do what I can to stay safe.

What's scary is I have allergies and they have been acting UP for the past two years. CONSTANTLY. I also get headaches and have other issues. Like I have more issues than Life magazine. and EVERY ONE of them have the same symptoms as the 'Rona. So when it all acts up, I don't know what's going on. So far, though, it's just been my other health issues. No 'Rona in this house! 

I won't even try to talk about all of the unrest in this country. I have seen it and been appalled by it. People deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Recognizing that and being a fucking good human shouldn't be political. So while I don't agree with property damage, I think denying human rights is a lot worse. That said, straight anarchy isn't going to do any cause any good or help the problem. We have to sort this out and fix the problems, though. Pro tip: you can't base your life in hate and call yourself a Christian.

We are here. I'm glad you still are.

Fares B.

A few years ago I started reading a book series by Cara Black about a private detective in Paris. The first book was set in 1994 and centered around hate crimes against Jewish people and the murder of a WWII survivor. It was a great book and I highly recommend the series. Beyond it being a great book, it resonated with me for a personal reason.
In college, I had two French pen pals. I started writing them during my freshman year. My next door neighbor had three pen pals and she gave me the addresses for two of them. One of them was a blonde haired surfer guy. He was really cool and even visited me once. We lost contact as school got harder and I got a boyfriend. I did look for and find him on Facebook after reading that book. We don't talk much as we're both married with children and working. But he's out there.
The other guy I did not find, though I looked. I really wanted to tell him something. A few weeks ago, this all came back up for me after reading a blog post about INXS. And I still felt like I needed to tell him something.
My pen pal's name is Fares. His last name starts with a B. Part of the reason​ I couldn't find him a few years ago is that I probably spelled his name wrong. He always asked me not to butcher his name but he never would email me so I had it in a readable format. He wrote with a block handwriting that I just couldn't fully decipher.
The relationship had a rocky start. He couldn't understand why my neighbor stopped writing him and I hated being in the middle. He kept asking me what was the matter with her and I didn't know what to tell him that wouldn't be insulting. She thought he was weird. I don't think he was. But he was INTENSE. He was very political and tried to explain it to me. He tried to tell me about the prejudice and hatred toward Jewish people and other immigrants in France, including his family. I didn't get it. I had seen racism. I was born in the South after all. But I thought it was black and white. That was the extent of my experience with racist people. I thought if your skin was light you wouldn't have a problem.
I naively thought antisemitism had been shut down. He tried to tell me how wrong I was. At 18, I wasn't ready for the knowledge he was trying to impart. I just wanted to exchange letters with a cute French boy. And he was cute. He was also more socially aware than I was. It's not that I didn't care. But after he told me, I didn't know what I could do to help.
We tried to talk about other things, likes and dislikes and such. We shared cassette tapes. He sent me an INXS tape once. It was before I really discovered them. I thought they were all Devil Inside and Suicide Blonde. I got into them later. But at the time, I thought the tape, Shabooh Shoobah, was weird. I wound up giving it to a friend. What a jerk move. :/ Who knows what it cost him to send that and it was probably his personal tape! The irony is, one of my favorite songs of theirs, Don't Change, is off that album! After reading the blog about them, I binged listened to them. Don't Change makes me so sad. I was in a funk for days, thinking about 19 year old me and what I'd wasted. Mostly my relationship with Fares.
What I wish I could say to him is that I'm sorry and he deserved better. I'm sorry for being a blockhead. I'm sorry for being put off by your intensity. I'm sorry I stopped writing you. I wish I could find you to see how you turned out. I hope you have a happy home and that you've found acceptance in your country. I hope you have forgiven me. I hope when you think of me, IF you think of me, that you don't think I was a stupid hopeless case. I hope my airheadedness didn't put you off of other people from my demographic. And I hope you're still working for the underdog. I also want to say thank you. Thank you for trying to help me grow.

Anxiety

I actually wrote this on 6/28/17, but it still stands and is exacerbated more by the shooting last week. My son is 5. 

 There's a quote from the movie Con Air that goes something to the effect of "moments of levity actually bring him pain..." That's how I feel. I live my life constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. When we're at the gym for family swim and we're all playing in the pool, I ache because I don't want those moments of happiness to end, but I'm so anxious about what could happen. If we're cooking together, I find the moment ruined by my own fears. This is at war with my tendency to view the glass as half full. But I lay in bed at night, listening for the boogieman at the back door. Every time I get in the car, I wonder if this is the day we get hit. I constantly have terrible thoughts. Is someone going to hurt Edgar? The lobby in his preschool is not very secure, someone could easily get into his school. Can we let him play sports? I recently read an article about athletes sexually assaulting their teammates and calling it hazing. I can't let him go into a locker room. Or to a teammate's house.The coaches aren't watching. Because if they watch, then they're perverts! But if they don't watch, the sickos on the team will hurt Edgar. The parents aren't watching because they don't think their little angels would do that. Or what if it's a third party?! If we teach him self defense, how many could he fight off? Will he be as tall and as big as I think he's going to be? Is he going to get sick? Is Allen going to get sick? Am *I* going to get sick? On and on ad nauseam.... It is painful. And exhausting. I can't sleep at night, so I take naps when I know Edgar is with Allen. Or am I napping because I'm sick? What did that internet ad mean about puffy feet being a sign of cancer? I have puffy feet, but I thought it was because my medicine makes me retain water. Do I have cancer? Why is my heart racing? Do I have a heart condition?!!? Why is the blood pounding in my ears? Am I going to have an aneurysm? I bet I have a brain tumor. Will it kill me or will I just become a vegetable? My body is a ticking time bomb. My car and other cars are ticking time bombs. Whacked out gang bangers are going to break down our back door any day and kidnap Edgar to sell on the black market, after bludgeoning me and Allen in our bed. And no one will know because no one here would miss us for at least 2 days. And by then, Bullitt will have eaten my face. And where would they look for Edgar. I wonder if I could scratch my attacker and get his DNA. This nurse was raped one time and she scratched her attacker to get DNA and some fool actually argued that that meant compliance with the assault. Could I get to the closet and get a weapon to fight? My baseball bat is all the way in the closet, but if I put it back under the bed, Edgar will play with it and probably knock out the bedroom window. Yes, this is an actual scenario I fretted about the other night. Last night, I told Allen we needed to open the window and air out our bedroom this weekend. He said "It's a mild night, let's open it tonight." And I said "That ain't happening. I'm not sleeping with an open window. Two words 'Richard Ramirez'." He actually said "Who?" Who? WHO!? The Night Stalker! He would break into houses and strangle people in their beds. He said he actually looked for open windows. So, no. No thank you. I will NOT be sleeping with an open window! Because if a psycho is going to break in, he's going to have to work for it! I pray. I pray a lot. I pray throughout the day and at night before bed. I know if I'm not comforted, then that means I'm doing it wrong. Because if I were right in my faith, I'd have no worries, right? I can't just turn anything over to God. Not the nightmare scenarios I come up with. Not the real problems we actually face. I just can't let go of these fears. So maybe God's teaching me a lesson. I don't have enough faith, so things continue as they are. No solution appears. It's my fault for continuing to worry. God is not going to answer because I'm still worrying about it, even after I prayed about it. Maybe it's because I studied criminal justice. Maybe it's because I worked for a police department. Maybe it's a hold over from all of the things that HAVE happened over the years. I know the Evil that people can do to one another. I know too much and it clouds my brain. Maybe there's just something wrong with me. I'm sorry.

There's me and then there's God

Wednesday Night July 16, 2014 my husband, toddler son and I watched Stage 11 of Le Tour de France on our DVR. Allen prefers the live broadcast, so he sets it to record in the morning and then we watch it in the evening. He loves le Tour. I get interested, but not overly so. That night, I was riveted, watching Andrew Talansky's journey. I don't know much about him, except he's from the US and he's part of team Garmin. I don't know his history. I don't know what type of guy he is. I know he touched my heart that night. That day, he became an Everyman. He became more than himself. I daresay, he became a race legend. At least for me he did. If you saw the race, you know what happened. For those of you that didn't see it, he fell behind the peloton (that's what they call the big group of riders in Le Tour). The first ten stages of Le Tour this year was brutal. There were terrible crashes right and left. Race favorites were dropping out daily. Almost every rider has a scrape here, a bruise there. Andrew was banged up, suffering from back and hip pain. He slid further and further back until he was left behind. At one point, he stopped, got off his bike and just sat down on the side of the road. His coach got out of the team car and talked with him. Of course, we are not privy to these conversations, but afterward the coach said he told Andrew that if he couldn't go on, not to, but that he knew his body best. Andrew got back on the bike and finished the race solo. No one in his team came back for him. He was on his own. For 51 km/31 miles, he struggled up and down hills, falling further and further back. But still he soldiered on. To understand how momentous this is, you have to understand that riders ride in teams. They help one another. They take turns being the lead rider and drafting off one another. There's also that mental element of having someone with you. All he had was himself, and his coach in his ear - giving him encouragement, information, whatever motivation he needed to get to the end of that leg. There's a metaphor in this. Or a simile. All I know is, I watched Andrew ride with tears in my eyes. Because I've been there. I've been the guy at the back of the pack, by myself, falling further and further behind. Oh, not on a huge bicycle tour. But in LIFE. Le Tour is a life event. Stage 11 is the most challenging point. The pack has left you behind. Your team, your friends and family, riding their own race - facing their own struggles, couldn't stop to help you. It was just you. And the little voice in your ear, guiding you along. That guiding voice? That's God. Oh, not that I'm saying Andrew's coach is God. I'm saying that in the metaphor, he represents God. Giving encouragement, selected information - what you need to know to get through it, being there to listen. But having to stay hands off. Andrew's coach couldn't ride with him. He couldn't drive the car in front for Andrew to draft off. That's not legal in the race and, at that point, Andrew was planning on staying it, so he couldn't afford the time penalty. He was racing the clock, required to finished with a certain time or he'd be eliminated for taking too long. He had a deadline. Any penalties could ruin his time. Occasionally, there were bystanders along the route, cheering him on. They recognized the momentous effort he was putting in. They realized what he was up against, what he was trying to do. But like his coach, they couldn't actively help him ride. Andrew had to do that on his own. Like a beast, he finished that race over 30 minutes behind the stage winner, narrowly making the time limit. But he finished. He was bruised, battered and spent but he finished that Stage. Ultimately, he wound up withdrawing from Le Tour because of his injuries. But that doesn't diminish what he accomplished. He finished that ride. He did it. He didn't get a special jersey or stand on a podium with a model in a funky dress, but he finished that ride. He finished the ride! God is there for us. There's an old poem called Footprints. I love it. In the poem, there's a discussion between a man and God about their footprints on the beach. Most of the time there's two sets of prints. During the toughest times, the man notes there's only one set and accuses God of abandoning him. But no, God carried the man through those tough times. Emotionally, that is how it is. God will be there for you, listening, giving you information and direction, occasionally handing you a bottle of water. Staying as close as possible. I find myself talking to God a lot, laying out my concerns and fears. Especially because I don't want to burden my family and friends with my problems. They have their own serious issues they're working through. There are just times in life, stages in your events where you're by yourself, 51 kilometers behind everyone else and it's just you and God. Just you and God.

Last night, I was shocked and angry, as well as deeply saddened. You see, I've been highly opposed to Amendment 1 in North Carolina, where I was born and raised. I have been advocating that people vote no all over Facebook and in my personal conversations. So when I heard the results of yesterday's vote, I didn't know what to say. This morning, I do know what to say.... What I want to say to those of you who voted FOR this amendment is congratulations. Yes, CONGRATULATIONS. CONGRATULATIONS, you just signed someone's death warrant because of lost domestic violence protections. Congratulations, there's a family in danger now, just because it doesn't fit YOUR narrow definition of family. Congratulations, you've cost someone health care coverage. Congratulations, you've written hate and discrimination into our State's constitution, setting us back 60 years. Congratulations, you violated the United States Constitution. Or did you forget that part about separation of church and state? Congratulations, the whole country thinks we're a bunch of bigots, despite the fact that 40% of us said no. Congratulations, you've forced your will on the unwilling. CONGRATULATIONS! But, despite what you might think, I'm not angriest at YOU. I'm angriest at those who didn't bother to vote yesterday or early vote all last week. CONGRATULATIONS to you, you didn't even bother to TRY to fight for what you believe in. Silence is compliance. So THANK YOU ever SO MUCH for not thinking of anyone but yourself. To those of us who said no, we WILL have this repealed. This will not stand.

Scents/sense

This morning I was eating breakfast when I started smelling tobacco. The room got super cold and the scent lingered.
I was home alone, I don't use tobacco and it was unlikely that the smell came from outside.
Immediately, I worried something had happened to my husband. He uses tobacco, but he keeps it with him at work. I got up and went and got my phone, relieved to see he'd been posting on Facebook (I get texts when he does). Once I figured out he was okay, I realized the visitor might have been my dad. I've always associated the smell of tobacco with him.
My best friend is intuitive. So of course I told her about it. I'm "sensitive" but whereas I'd see a gentle glow, she can see it like it's a spotlight.
I should have said hi. But because I'm paranoid, I thought Allen was hurt. I hope that I didn't scare my dad off.
I'm glad he popped in. I miss him.

It's great that fat people want to work out....

...in theory. We don't want to SEE them.....



At least this is the message I got. This local radio host made a post on Facebook yesterday railing about how a fat person got on the machine in front of him at the gym and ruined his sightline. I'm sure he meant it as a joke, but it brought up a real concern of mine about the gym. I've always felt like the fitter people would look at me and think "What is SHE doing here?" Not "Wow, good for her for trying." But "Eeeew, get out of 'our' house." And I was right. People DO judge you at the gym. I used to tell myself not to worry about what all the ROTC runners or aerobics girls on the ellipticals thought of me. They weren't concerned with me. Silly me. Of COURSE they were judging me.

It's part of the reason I haven't been swimming in awhile. I can just picture people looking at me in my bathing suit and cringing. And when you're trying to get back into a routine, little things discourage you. I haven't had a skirted swimsuit in years but I found myself wishing for one recently because then that would at least be SOME coverage. I don't NEED a new suit. My pretty, royal blue one piece is perfectly fine. Except, you know, you can see my fat when I wear it. My goodness, I wear that in public? Apparently, I should be ashamed of myself for subjecting other people to that.

I wish I was comfortable money wise. I'd just spent 20 grand and get myself a workout pool here at the house. Then no one would be forced to look at me as I try to work out in a manner that doesn't hurt my knee. Good God, I wouldn't want to gross anyone out or ruin their sightlines with my fat arms and thighs sticking out of my swimsuit. The horror.

So, yeah, it's great if fat people work out, as long as it's at the back of the gym.

2011 Reading List

This is what I read last year:

001. Dead on the Dance Floor by Heather Graham (Jan4) - murder, mystery, ballroom dancing

002. The Girl Who Chased the Moon by Sarah Addison Allen (Jan6) - family, relationships, grief, forgiveness, love

003. Sleeping with Anemone by Kate Collins (Jan9) - murder, mystery, Flower Shop mystery, Abby Knight

004. LOLCats: How to Take Over the World (Jan12) - funny, photo, cats

005. Ghouls Gone Wild by Victoria Laurie (Jan12) - ghosts, Ghost Hunters, MJ Holliday

006. The Crowning Glory of Calla Lily Ponder by Rebecca Wells (Jan15) - family, relationships, healing

007. Death's Excellent Vacation edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni LP Kelner (Jan21) - mystery, murder, occult, short stories

008. Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls by Victoria Laurie (Jan23) - ghosts, Ghost Hunters, MJ Holliday

009. Insatiable by Meg Cabot (Jan25) - murder, mystery, vampires

010. How Not to Make a Wish by Mindy Klasky (Jan27) - family, relationships, wishes, genie, As You Wish series

011. In the Woods by Tana French (Feb3) - murder, mystery, cold case, Ireland, Irish Detective Squad

012. A Nose for Justice by Rita Mae Brown (Feb7) - murder, mystery, ranching

013. The Postcard Killers by James Patterson and Liza Marklund (Feb10) - murder, mystery

014. The Invisible Circus by Jennifer Egan (feb14) - family, relationships

015. I Am Number Four by Pittacus Lore (Feb17) - aliens, Lorien Legacies

016. Dirty Rotten Tendrils by Kate Collins (Feb20) - murder, mystery, Flower Shop mystery, Abby Knight

017. H is for Homicide by Sue Grafton (Feb24) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Milhone

018. Cupid Cats by Katie MacAlister, Vicki Lewis Thompson and Connie Brockway (Feb27) - short stories, cats, shelters, romance

019. The Likeness by Tana French (Mar6) - murder, mystery, Ireland, undercover police work, Irish Detective Squad

020. Witch and Wizard by James Patterson and Gabrielle Charbonnet (Mar9) - politics, opression, witchcraft, the Allgoods

021. Girl's Guide to Witchcraft by Mindy Klasky (Mar12) - magic, DC, library, relationships, Jane Madison series

022. A Woman in Berlin: Eight Weeks in the Conquered City by Anonymous (Mar16) - WWII, a diary, war memoir

023. Witch & Wizard: The Gift by James Patterson and Ned Rust (Mar19) - politics, opression, witchcraft, the Allgoods

024. I is for Innocent by Sue Grafton (Mar23) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Milhone

025. The Peach Keeper by Sarah Addison Allen (Mar25) - family, relationships, friendship, mystery

026. Sleeping with Patty Hearst by Mary Lambeth Moore (Mar27) - family, relationships, historical

025. Ghost at Work by Carolyn Hart (Mar31) - mystery, murder, Bailey Ruth Raeburn

026. Backseat Saints by Joshilyn Jackson (Apr2) - family, relationships, abandonment, domestic violence

027. Futility: or Wreck of the Titan by Morgan Robertson (Apr3) - boat sinking, 1898, historic fiction

027. Sorcery and the Single Girl by Mindy Klasky (Apr7) - magic, DC, library, relationships, Jane Madison series

028. Across the Universe by Beth Revis (Apr10) - murder, mystery, science fiction, futuristic fiction, space

029. Barbie Unbound by Sarah Strohmeyer (Apr10) - photo, essay, satire

030. Wicked Appetite by Janet Evanovich (Apr12) - mystery, fantasy, magic, Diesel

031. J is for Judgment by Sue Grafton (Apr17) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

032. Bless the Bride by Rhys Bowen (Apr21) - murder, mystery, relationships, Molly Murphy

033. Mama Day by Gloria Naylor (Apr24) - family, relationships, spiritualism, magic

034. Fire by Kristin Cashore (May1) - fantasy, intrigue

035. The Girl Who Fell From the Sky by Heidi Durrow (May3) - family, relationships, trauma, alcoholism, death

036. The Curse of the Holy Pail by Sue Ann Jaffarian (May7) - murder, mystery, Odelia Grey

037. K is for Killer by Sue Grafton (May11) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

038. Gatsby's Girl by Caroline Preston (May14) - family, relationships, historical

039. Thugs and Kisses by Sue Ann Jaffarian (May17) - murder, mystery, Odelia Grey

040. Hollywood Haunted: A Ghostly Tour of Filmland by Laurie Jacobson and Marc Wanamaker (Jun20) - mystery, ghosts, Hollywood history

041. The Joys of Love by Madeleine L'Engle (May22) - relationships theater

042. The Last Days of Dead Celebrities by Mitchell Fink (May26) - non-fiction, celebrities, biography

043. Murder of a Bookstore Babe by Denise Swanson (May30) - murder, mystery, Skye Dennison, Scumble River

044. A Bright and Guilty Place by Richard Rayner (June3) - murder, mystery, Los Angeles history

045. Pumped for Murder by Elaine Viets (June5) - murder, mystery, Dead End Job mysteries, Helen Hawthorne

046. Me, Myself and Why? by Mary Janice Davidson (June8) - mystery, murder, Agent Jones

047. And She Was by Cindy Dyson (Jun11) - mystery, Aleutian Islands, Aleut history, historical novel

048. Merry, Merry Ghost by Carolyn Hart (Jun15) - mystery, murder, Bailey Ruth Raeburn

049. Booby Trap by Sue Ann Jaffarian (Jun17) - murder, mystery, Odelia Grey

050. Girl Sleuth: Nancy Drew and the Women Who Created Her by Melanie Rehak (Jun27) - Nancy Drew, Stratemeyer Syndicate, Mildred Wirt Benson, Harriet Stratemeyer Adams

051. The Hollywood Book of Scandals by James Parish (Jun28) - mysteries, actors, actresses, Hollywood history

052. The Butcher of Beverly Hills by Jennifer Colt (Jul2) - murder, mystery, McAfee Twins

053. L is for Lawless by Sue Grafton (Jul5) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

054. gods in Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson (Jul8) - family, relationships

055. A Night to Remember by Walter Lord (Jul11) - Titanic, history

056. Faithful Place by Tana French (Jul15) - murder, mystery, cold case, Ireland, Irish Detective Squad

057. Dead Head by Rosemary Harris (Jul19) - murder, mystery, Dirty Business, Paula Holliday

058. Don't Breathe a Word by Jennifer McMahon (Jul22) - mystery, murder, fantasy, family, abuse

059. Corpse on the Cob by Sue Ann Jaffarian (Jul27) - mystery, murder, Odelia Grey

060. Hex Hall by Rachel Hawkins (Jul29) - mystery, murder, fantasy, Sophie Mercer

061. Hexed by Ilona Andrews, Yasmine Galenorn, Allyson James and Jeanne Stein (Jul31) - novellas, Storm Walker, Anna Strong, Kate Daniels, Iris Kuusi

062. Ghost a' la Mode by Sue Ann Jaffarian (Aug3) - mystery, murder, Emma Whitecastle, The Ghost of Granny Apples

063. Magic Slays by Ilona Andrews (Aug6) - mystery, murder, occult, Kate Daniels

064. Beauty Queens by Libba Bray (Aug9) - murder, mystery, satire

065. The Diary by Eileen Goudge (Aug12) - family, relationships

066. Magic and the Modern Girl by Mindy Klasky (Aug16) - magic, DC, library, relationships, Jane Madison series

067. Slugfest by Rosemary Harris (Aug19) - mystery, murder, Paula Holliday, Dirty Business

068. The Help by Kathryn Stockett (Aug22) - family, relationships, historical, Civil Rights

069. Storm Walker by Allyson James (Aug25) - murder, mystery, occult, Storm Walker

070. Abandon by Meg Cabot (Aug29) - mystery, modern day mythology

071. The Invisible Bridge by Julie Orringer (Sept4) - historical, WWII, Hungarian Jews, family, the Holocaust

072. Overbite by Meg Cabot (Sept) - mystery, murder, Meena Harper, Alaric Wulf

073. The Mangler of Malibu Canyon by Jennifer Colt (Sept) - McAfee Twins, murder, mystery, cults

074. M is for Malice by Sue Grafton (Sept16) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

075. In the Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson (Sept22) - history, WWII, Nazi Germany, espionage, US State Department, 1930s

076. Texas Gothic by Rosemary Clement-Moore (Sept24) - murder, mystery, relationships, witches, ghosts

077. Smokin Seventeen by Janet Evanovich (Sept25) - mystery, murder, Stephanie Plum

078. Clara Bow: Runnin Wild by David Stenn (Oct1) - biography, Hollywood, Clara Bow

079. A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness (Oct9) - the Occult, mystery, murder, witches, vampire, daemons, Diana Bishop

080. N is for Noose by Sue Grafton (Oct18) - mystery, murder, Kinsey Millhone, Alphabet series

081. Witchling by Yasmine Galenorn (Oct21) - mystery, fantasy, murder, D'Artigo Sisters, Otherworld

082. The Shirt on His Back by Barbara Hambly (Oct23) - murder, mystery, Benjamin January

083. Let's Talk About Pep by Sandy "Pepa" Denton with Karen Hunter (Oct27) - autobiography, Sandy Denton, Salt-n-Pepa

084. Ellen Foster by Kaye Gibbons (Oct28) - family, relationships, abusive family

085. O if for Outlaw by Sue Grafton (Nov2) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone, Alphabet series

086. Changling by Yasmine Galenorn (Nov7) - murder, mystery, fantasy, D'Artigo Sisters, Otherworld

087. Dead Reckoning by Charlaine Harris (Nov10) - mystery, Sookie Stackhouse, Southern Vampire series

088. Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith by Donna Hogan as told to Henrietta Tiefenthaler (Nov13) - biography

089. Demonglass by Rachel Hawkins (Nov15) - Hex Hall, Sophie Mercer, fantasy

090. Darkling by Yasmine Galenorn (Nov19) - mystery, murder, D'Artigo sisters

091. Home Improvement: Undead Edition by Various (Nov23) - mystery, murder, short stories, witches, vampires, shapeshifters, magic

092. High on Arrival by Mackenzie Phillips (Nov26) - autobiography

093. P is for Peril by Sue Grafton (Nov29) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

094. Dragon Wytch by Yasmine Galenorn (Dec3) - mystery, fantasy, D'Artigo sisters

095. I Think I Love You by Allison Pearson (Dec7) - family, relationships, nostalgia

096. Put on Your Crown: Life-Changing Moments on the Path to Queendom by Queen Latifah (Dec11) - autobiography, inspirational

097. Daughter of Deceit by Patricia Sprinkle (Dec15) - mystery, murder, genealogy, fanily

098. Night Huntress by Yasmine Galenorn (Dec18) - mystery, fantasy, D'Artigo sisters

099. Q is for Quarry by Sue Grafton (Dec23) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone, Alphabet series

100. An Angel for Christmas by Heather Graham (Dec25) - mystery, faith, angels, family, relationships

101. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes by Anita Loos (Dec26) - relationships, historical, flappers, kept women

102. Mobbed by Carol Higgins Clark (Dec27) - mystery, Regan Reilly

103. Demon Mistress by Yasmine Galenorn (Dec30) - murder, mystery, fantasy, D'Artigo sisters

104. Cheerleaders 19: Making It by Susan Blake (Dec31) - young adult, Cheerleaders series

Less books this year, but I read more non-fiction and less young adult books. Also, two of the books (The first two "Thirst" Books) were actually three-in-ones. So technically, I read 108 books.

2010 Reading List

This is what I read in 2010:

001. Deadly Gift by Heather Graham (Jan1) - murder, mystery, Irish legends, Flynn Brothers

002. From Dead to Worse by Charlaine Harris (Jan3) - murder, mystery, werewolves, vampires, Sookie Stackhouse

003. Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris (Jan3) - murder, mystery, werewolves, vampires, Sookie Stackhouse

004. The Nature of Animal Healing by Dr Martin Goldstein (Jan5) - animals, holistic veterinary medicine

005. Killer Riff by Sheryl J Anderson (Jan8) - murder, mystery, Molly Forrester

006. Must Love Hellhounds by Charlaine Harris, Nalini Singh, Ilona Andrews and Meljean Brook (Jan12) - short stories, mysteries, occult

007. A Touch of Dead by Charlaine Harris (Jan13) - Sookie Stackhouse, short stories

008. The Whiskey Rebels by David Liss (Jan18) - mystery, historical, political

009. The Julius House by Charlaine Harris (Jan21) - mystery, murder, Roe Teagarden

010. Bite by Laurell K. Hamilton, Charlaine Harris, MaryJanice Davidson, Angela Knight and Vickie Knight (Jan27) - murder, mystery, vampires

011. Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella (Jan30) - mystery, family, relationships, ghosts

012. Strange Brew by PN Elrod and several others (Feb1) - mystery, witches, murder, occult, fantasy

013. Don't Make Me Choose Between You and My Shoes by Dixie Cash (Feb3) - murder, mystery, Debbie Sue Overstreet, the Domestic Equalizers

014. Dead Over Heels by Charlaine Harris (Feb5) - mystery, murder, Aurora Teagarden

015. The Island by Heather Graham (Feb10) - murder, mystery

016. Angel's Blood by Nalini Singh (Feb14) - mystery, murder, Hunters Guild, Elena Deveraux

017. Manhunt by James L. Swanson (Feb23) - true crime, Abraham Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth

018. Magic Bites by Ilona Andrews (Feb25) - mystery, murder, shapeshifters, vampires, magic, Kate Daniels

019. Brava, Valentine by Adriana Trigiani (Feb28) - family, relationships, Valentine Roncalli

020. The Wednesday Sisters by Meg Waite Clayton (Mar6) - family, relationships

021. A Fool and His Honey by Charlaine Harris (Mar7) - mystery, murder, Aurora Teagarden

022. Last Scene Alive by Charlaine Harris (May10) - mystery, murder, Aurora Teagarden

023. Magic Burns by Ilona Andrews (Mar12) - mystery, murder, shapeshifters, vampires, magic, Kate Daniels

024. Home in Time for Christmas by Heather Graham (Mar15) - relationships, family, the Revolution, magic

025. Most Evil by Steve Hodel (Mar20) - murder, true crime, Elizabeth Short, Black Dahlia, Zodiac

026. Archangel's Kiss by Nalini Singh (Mar21) - mystery, murder, Hunters Guild, Elena Deveraux

027. Rude Awakenings of a Jane Austen Addict by Laurie Viera Rigler (Mar27) - relationships, family, fantasy, magic, starting over

028. The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood (Mar31) - future, mass destruction, survival

029. Why Moms are Weird by Pamela Ribon (Apr10) - family, relationships

030. Magic Strikes by Ilona Andrews (Apr17) - mystery, murder, shapeshifters, vampires, magic, Kate Daniels

031. Fatal Vision by Joe McGinniss (Apr22) - murder, Jeffrey MacDonald, non-fiction crime

032. Movie * Icons Steve McQueen by Paul Duncan and Alain Silver (Apr23) - Steve McQueen

033. Zapped by Carol Higgins Clark (Apr26) - murder, mystery, Regan Reilly

034. Big Boned by Meg Cabot (Apr29) - murder, mystery, Heather Wells

035. Doom with a View by Victoria Laurie (May2) - murder, mystery, politics, Abby Cooper, Psychic Eye Mystery

036. In a Gilded Cage by Rhys Bowen (May5) - murder, mystery, suffragettes, Molly Murphy

037. The Last Illusion by Rhys Bowen (May8) - murder, mystery, Houdini, theater, Molly Murphy

038. Half-Price Homicide by Elaine Viets (May9) - murder, mystery, Helen Hawthorne

039. Dusk to Dawn: Charleston by Joe McElmore (May11) - photos, non-fiction

040. Christietown by Susan Kandel (May14) - murder, mystery, Cece Caruso

041. Why Girls Are Weird by Pamela Ribon (May15) - relationships, family

042. Her Royal Spyness by Rhys Bowen (May17) - murder, mystery, Lady Georgiana, Her Royal Spyness

043. Hurricane Bay by Heather Graham (May16) - murder, mystery

044. The Killing Edge by Heather Graham (May26) - murder, mystery, Adam Harrison, Nikki Blackhawk

045. Swimming by Nicola Keegan (May30) - relationships, family, swimming, Olympics

046. A Royal Pain by Rhys Bowen (Jun1) - murder, mystery, Lady Georgiana, Her Royal Spyness

047. Fatal Justice by Jerry Allen Potter and Fred Bost (Jun9) - Jeffrey MacDonald, murder, non-fiction crime, government cover-up

048. Dial H for Hitchcock by Susan Kandel (Jun13) - murder, mystery, Cece Caruso

049. The 4-Day Diet by Dr Ian Smith (Jun16) - recipes, self-help, healthy

050. Royal Flush by Rhys Bowen (Jun18) - murder, mystery, Lady Georgiana, Her Royal Spyness

051. Haunted by Heather Graham (Jun21) - murder, mystery, Adam Harrison

052. A is for Alibi by Sue Grafton (Jun25) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

053. Cursed by Carol Higgins Clark (Jun26) - murder, mystery, Regan Reilly

054. Wrecked by Carol Higgins Clark (Jun28) - murder, mystery, Regan Reilly

055. B is for Burglar by Sue Grafton (Jul3) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

056. Night's Edge by Charlaine Harris, Maggie Shayne and Barbara Hambly (Jul6) - murder, mystery, short stories

057. Homefront by Catherine Lutz (Jul14) - history, military, Ft Bragg, Fayetteville

058. Crimes by Moonlight: Mysteries from the Darkside by Various, edited by Charlaine Harris (Jul19) - mysteries, murder, short stories, the occult

059. The Missing Ink by Karen E. Olson (Jul22) - murder, mystery, Tattoo Shop mystery

060. Sizzling Sixteen by Janet Evanovich (Jul23) - mystery, Stephanie Plum

061. Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris (Jul25) - murder, mystery, werewolves, vampires, Sookie Stackhouse

062. C is for Corpse by Sue Grafton (Jul27) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

063. Poppy Done to Death by Charlaine Harris (Jul29) - mystery, murder, Roe Teagarden

064. Gods Behaving Badly by Marie Phillips (Jul31) - ancient Greece, Greek gods, mystery

065. The House on Tradd Street by Karen White (Aug3) - mystery, murder, occult, ghosts, haunting, historic houses, Charleston

066. Nightwalker by Heather Graham (Aug6) - murder, mystery, Adam Harrison Investigations, Nikki Blackhawk

067. Our Red Hot Romance Is Leaving Me Blue by Dixie Cash (Aug8) - haunting, ghosts, mystery, Debbie Sue Overstreet, the Domestic Equalizers

068. Nefertiti by Michelle Moran (Aug13) - ancient Egypt, politics, historical novel, megalomania

069. Betsy-Tacy by Maud Hart Lovelace (Aug14) - friendship

070. Magic Bleeds by Ilona Andrews (Aug17) - mystery, murder, shapeshifters, magic, Kate Daniels

071. A Glimpse of Evil by Victoria Laurie (Aug21) - murder, mystery, Abby Cooper, Psychic Eye Mystery

072. The Girl on Legare Street by Karen White (Aug23) - mystery, murder, occult, ghosts, haunting, historic houses, Charleston

073. D is for Deadbeat by Sue Grafton (Aug27) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

074. Shakespeare's Landlord by Charlaine Harris (Aug29) - Lily Bard, murder, mystery

075. Way Down Dead in Dixie by Caroline Cousins (Aug31) - murder, mystery, Indigo Island, Lindsey Fox and cousins

076. Murder of a Wedding Belle by Denise Swanson (Sep1) - murder, mystery, Scumble River, Skye Denison

077. 50 Simple Ways to Pamper Your Cat by Arden Moore (Sep5) - cats, pet care

078. The Girl with No Shadow by Joanne Harris (Sep5) - mystery, Vianne Rocher, relationships, magic, love

079. Betsy-Tacy and Tib by Maud Hart Lovelace (Sep7) - friendship

080. sTori Telling by Tori Spelling with Hilary Liftin (Sep9) - family, relationships, biography

081. Fiddle Dee Death by Caroline Cousins (Sep11) - murder, mystery, Indigo Island, Lindsey Fox and cousins

082. Demon Ex Machina by Julie Kenner (Sep14) - demons, mystery, Demon-Hunting Soccer Mom, Kate Connor

083. Dressed to Keel by Candy Calvert (Sep17) - murder, mystery, Darcy Cavanaugh

084. Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner (Sep19) - family, relationships, adultery, public figures

085. Royal Blood by Rhys Bowen (Sep22) - murder, mystery, Lady Georgiana, Her Royal Spyness

086. Mums the Word by Kate Collins (Sep26) - mystery, murder, Flower Shop, Abby Knight

087. Shakespeare's Champion by Charlaine Harris (Sep26) - Lily Bard, murder, mystery

088. Aye Do or Die by Candy Calvert (Sep28) - murder, mystery, Darcy Cavanaugh

089. Thirst Volume 1 - The Last Vampire, Black Blood, Red Dice by Christopher Pike (Oct3) - mystery, vampires, Sita, spiritualism, murder

090. Mommywood by Tori Spelling (Oct6) - family, relationships, parenthood

091. Thirst Volume 2 - Phantom, Evil Thirst, Creatures of Forever by Christopher Pike (Oct10) - mystery, vampires, Sita, spiritualism, murder

092. The Last of Her Kind by Sigrid Nunez ((Oct16) - relationships, the 60s, prison, memoirs

093. Mai Tai to Murder by Candy Calvert (Oct17) - murder, mystery, Darcy Cavanaugh

094. Shakespeare's Christmas by Charlaine Harris (Oct19) - Lily Bard, murder, mystery

095. Marsh Madness by Caroline Cousins (Oct22) - murder, mystery, Indigo Island, Lindsey Fox and cousins

096. Uncharted TerriTORI by Tori Spelling (Oct24) - family, relationships, career, autobiography

097. Slay it with Flowers by Kate Collins - mystery, murder, Flower Shop, Abby Knight

098. Mini Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella (Oct30) - family, relationships, parenting

099. E is for Evidence by Sue Grafton (Nov2) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

100. Shakespeare's Trollop by Charlaine Harris (Nov4) - Lily Bard, murder, mystery

101. Shakespeare's Counselor by Charlaine Harris (Nov6) - Lily Bard, murder, mystery

102. Creating Myself by Mia Tyler (Nov9) - autobiography, relationships, family, triumph

103. Dearly Depotted by Kate Collins (Nov12) - mystery, murder, Flower Shop, Abby Knight

104. Island Beneath the Sea by Isabel Allende (Nov19) - historical fiction, family, relationships, slavery, Haiti, Saint-Dominique, New Orleans

105. F is for Fugitive by Sue Grafton (Nov24) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

106. Titanic's Last Secrets by Brad Matsen (Nov27) - Titanic, deep sea diving, Brittanic, history

107. Viola in Reel Life by Adriana Trigiani (Nov28) - boarding school, relationships

108. Snipped in the Bud by Kate Collins (Nov29) - mystery, murder, Flower Shop, Abby Knight

109. Murder at the Portland Variety by M. J. Zellnik (Dec2) - murder, mystery, Libby Seale

110. The Brightest Star in the Sky by Marian Keyes (Dec5) - family, relationships, PTSD

111. Of Love and Evil by Anne Rice (Dec8) - mystery, relationships, Toby O'Dare

112. Santa's Snow Kitten by Sue Stainton and Anne Mortimer (Dec11) - Santa Claus, cats, childrens

113. Mater Saves Christmas by Kiel Murray (Dec11) - childrens, cars, Christmas

114. Acts of Violets by Kate Collins (Dec12) - mystery, murder, Flower Shop, Abby Knight

115. G is for Gumshoe by Sue Grafton (Dec15) - murder, mystery, Kinsey Millhone

116. Titanic Survivor by Violet Jessop (Dec22) - Titanic, Brittanic, ocean liner crew, biography

117.A Rose from the Dead by Kate Collins (Dec25) - murder, mystery, Flower Shop, Abby Knight

118. Shoots to Kill by Kate Collins (Dec26) - murder, mystery, Flower Shop, Abby Knight

119. Evil in Carnations by Kate Collins (Dec28) - murder, mystery, Flower Shop, Abby Knight

120. The Lost Girls by Laurie Fox (Dec31) - Wendy Darling, Peter Pan, family, relationships, mental health, delusion

OH wow. It's been forever since I posted my musing about eyebrows. I just honestly forget I have this blog.....

A lot has happened in the year and a half since I posted. Most notably, we adopted a kitten almost a year ago. His name is Bullitt (after the movie starring the king of cool, Steve McQueen) and he's all gray. He's a year and a half old and either flying around the house (he's so aptly named) or sleeping it off (as he literally is while I'm typing).

Other than that, things are about the same. Flora, our older cat, has been sick, but she's in remission and doing great. She's my little come back kid.

Work is good. I'm having a lot of good hair days. My health could be better, but hey, I'm a work in progress....
I've read a LOT of good books lately, but I haven't been updating shelfari. Ooops. I forgot I had it, because I keep a list on Livejournal, old school style....
I'll post the lists here....

My friend Tammi has perfect eyebrows. I'm sure she worked at them to get them where they are. Or maybe they're naturally like that. Eyebrows are a small thing, but they make a huge difference. Like on the most recent Top Model cycle, that girl Nadua. She was GORGEOUS coming into the competition. Then they shaved off hey eyebrows and she just looked weird. Then she drew them BACK ON and she looked great. (And, yeah, Krista as winner? What?) Anyway.... The last time I got a pedicure, they looked at me and said "We need to do your eyebrows." It's BAD when total strangers tell you that you need it done without you even asking. And, okay, mine are a little Brooke Shields without BEING Brooke Shields. And, yeah, I have a cowlick in one.... But come on.....
I wonder what Tammi uses.

Sunney Girl

My little Sunney kitty passed away about 3 weeks ago. 4/24/10 around 7:30 am. My heart is broken. I still expect her to pop up. It's been tough. I had her for 13 years. She had a cancerous tumor in her nasal cavity and it just grew and grew. Eventually, she couldn't eat on her own and I believe her body shut down.
RIP beautiful Sunney Bunney. We miss and love you. You're always in our hearts.

Arguing?

My husband and I keep arguing more and more. Last week we were on vacation. We argued about parking spots. PARKING SPOTS. Mainly, we were in a city that is very historic and there is NOWHERE to park in the downtown area. We tried to go to dinner twice and both times there was no parking. Who fights over parking? I worry, we've been fighting so much lately. We fight over the house. We fight over who does what or who percieves who as doing nothing. We argue over changed expectations. We didn't used to argue. Are we arguing more because I'm not avoiding anymore or are we just not careful enough with one another. When did we become a couple that argues on vacation over parking?

Reality Check

I have a few minutes between tasks and I have to give my opinion on an issue that's come up in the past few weeks. Normally I write "reality check" posts about the reality TV I watch. Cause we all know what a reality TV geek I am!

The issue I'm writing about right now, though, is Jessica Simpson's weight. There were pictures all over the web showing her in blue jeans and a black tank top, with two layered belts on, screaming about her weight gain. First of all, it's an unfortunate outfit. But hey, she can wear what she wants if she feels comfortable. Regardless of what I think of her singing or acting , she is a GORGEOUS woman! She's beautiful. As far as her "weight gain", I think she looks great. She looks healthy and lush and I'm sure a lot of people drooled over those photos.

What really bothers me is that 1) this is what the media focuses on? Let's see, economic bailouts right and left to companies using the money for questionable things, new history-making president just sworn in, Superbowl, wars all over the place and this is what the media is focusing on? Oh NOES Jessica gained weight! It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things! The second thing that bothers me is that women and girls are hearing and seeing that Jessica Simpson is fat! So every female who looks like her or is bigger is being told "you're fat." Which translates into "you're not attractive, you're not acceptible, you need to change yourself" and that's just wrong on so many levels. Why are beautiful people torn down like that? The third thing, and this really ties into #2, that is annoying about this is that the myth that super skinny is attractive is being perpetuated. So there are boys out there learning "Jessica Simpson is not attractive" and girl learning "If I look like that, I'm not attractive." And that's heart breaking. Because of the criticism of those pictures, another eating disorder was born. Finally, what is annoying about the whole thing is that if she was losing weight, they'd say she was anorexic! So basically, people can't win. There apparently is no happy medium, you're either too fat or too skinny.

What does it matter? Her worth is NOT in her looks or her weight. Her worth is in her heart and her character. That's what people need to hear about and see.

my path

God is working in my life. I was raised in a Baptist church. I accepted Jesus at the age of 10 and was baptized then. I grew up being a good girl. I never went through a drinking or drugging or horrible behavior crisis. I got good grades. I went to church regularly. I tried to help people. I never assaulted or did anything worse to anyone. My sins weren't the obvious ones. No, my sins were in the gray area. Pride in my grades. More recently prideful attitude at work. And now I don't have that job anymore. Stubborness is a sin. Self loathing is a sin. Self doubt is a sin. Emotionally and mentally beating up on yourself is a sin. Gossip is a sin. Self reliance is a sin when you refuse to rely on God.
I read a Postsecret book last night and thought "I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I'm going to send in a postcard." Then I thought "Wait a minute, why not just give those things to God instead?" So I wrote them all out in my journal. Good, bad, philosophical. The bad things I was released from. The good things, I was thankful for. And I decided I was still going to send a message to Postsecret (I think I'm going to submit them in an email - it's a lot!) because what I was burdened with might just help someone else. But I didn't need to give them to Postsecret to unburden myself, I had done that by giving it to God.
God is working in my life. Big changes are in the works and I'm trying to be ready for them. A couple weeks ago, I posted about pipe dreams. I've come to the realization that those dreams may not be what God has intended for me. So along with realizing that I have to let go of the reigns, I may have to give up those dreams, because they may not be what God has planned. But I'm also realizing that what God has planned may be beyond my wildest dreams. I have to trust God. I've seen that s/he definitely is working in my life. I've seen evidence that s/he answers prayers. I have to "let go and let God." It's hard. I'm stubborn, I'm independent. But I'm trying.
I also have been thinking of forgiveness. Not just for recent hurts or betrayals, but all the way back junior high, no, elementary school. Today, I started saying the names of people I carried grudges against or still felt hurt by. My ex. The ex-SIL that gave me so much grief when Allen was overseas. People I used to work with that hurt me. People from high school and junior high that hurt me. People from my old church and from college and my frat. Other ex-boyfriends. Family members. And then... I asked God to bless each and every one of them. It's not worth it to hold the bitterness in my heart. It's too ugly for what I want in my heart. And I don't have room for all of that bitterness and resentment and hate. I have to have room for all the Love I want to give. Love of God, Love of Allen, Love of my family and friends. Love of my future family. I don't want that ugliness to touch them. So I want to let it all go. God will take care of them and if s/he sees fit to punish someone, s/he will. It's not up to me. And it's really not something I need to be carrying anymore. The really funny thing is as I said each name, I actually felt lighter!!!!! It's a beautiful thing.