Anxiety

I actually wrote this on 6/28/17, but it still stands and is exacerbated more by the shooting last week. My son is 5. 

 There's a quote from the movie Con Air that goes something to the effect of "moments of levity actually bring him pain..." That's how I feel. I live my life constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. When we're at the gym for family swim and we're all playing in the pool, I ache because I don't want those moments of happiness to end, but I'm so anxious about what could happen. If we're cooking together, I find the moment ruined by my own fears. This is at war with my tendency to view the glass as half full. But I lay in bed at night, listening for the boogieman at the back door. Every time I get in the car, I wonder if this is the day we get hit. I constantly have terrible thoughts. Is someone going to hurt Edgar? The lobby in his preschool is not very secure, someone could easily get into his school. Can we let him play sports? I recently read an article about athletes sexually assaulting their teammates and calling it hazing. I can't let him go into a locker room. Or to a teammate's house.The coaches aren't watching. Because if they watch, then they're perverts! But if they don't watch, the sickos on the team will hurt Edgar. The parents aren't watching because they don't think their little angels would do that. Or what if it's a third party?! If we teach him self defense, how many could he fight off? Will he be as tall and as big as I think he's going to be? Is he going to get sick? Is Allen going to get sick? Am *I* going to get sick? On and on ad nauseam.... It is painful. And exhausting. I can't sleep at night, so I take naps when I know Edgar is with Allen. Or am I napping because I'm sick? What did that internet ad mean about puffy feet being a sign of cancer? I have puffy feet, but I thought it was because my medicine makes me retain water. Do I have cancer? Why is my heart racing? Do I have a heart condition?!!? Why is the blood pounding in my ears? Am I going to have an aneurysm? I bet I have a brain tumor. Will it kill me or will I just become a vegetable? My body is a ticking time bomb. My car and other cars are ticking time bombs. Whacked out gang bangers are going to break down our back door any day and kidnap Edgar to sell on the black market, after bludgeoning me and Allen in our bed. And no one will know because no one here would miss us for at least 2 days. And by then, Bullitt will have eaten my face. And where would they look for Edgar. I wonder if I could scratch my attacker and get his DNA. This nurse was raped one time and she scratched her attacker to get DNA and some fool actually argued that that meant compliance with the assault. Could I get to the closet and get a weapon to fight? My baseball bat is all the way in the closet, but if I put it back under the bed, Edgar will play with it and probably knock out the bedroom window. Yes, this is an actual scenario I fretted about the other night. Last night, I told Allen we needed to open the window and air out our bedroom this weekend. He said "It's a mild night, let's open it tonight." And I said "That ain't happening. I'm not sleeping with an open window. Two words 'Richard Ramirez'." He actually said "Who?" Who? WHO!? The Night Stalker! He would break into houses and strangle people in their beds. He said he actually looked for open windows. So, no. No thank you. I will NOT be sleeping with an open window! Because if a psycho is going to break in, he's going to have to work for it! I pray. I pray a lot. I pray throughout the day and at night before bed. I know if I'm not comforted, then that means I'm doing it wrong. Because if I were right in my faith, I'd have no worries, right? I can't just turn anything over to God. Not the nightmare scenarios I come up with. Not the real problems we actually face. I just can't let go of these fears. So maybe God's teaching me a lesson. I don't have enough faith, so things continue as they are. No solution appears. It's my fault for continuing to worry. God is not going to answer because I'm still worrying about it, even after I prayed about it. Maybe it's because I studied criminal justice. Maybe it's because I worked for a police department. Maybe it's a hold over from all of the things that HAVE happened over the years. I know the Evil that people can do to one another. I know too much and it clouds my brain. Maybe there's just something wrong with me. I'm sorry.

my path

God is working in my life. I was raised in a Baptist church. I accepted Jesus at the age of 10 and was baptized then. I grew up being a good girl. I never went through a drinking or drugging or horrible behavior crisis. I got good grades. I went to church regularly. I tried to help people. I never assaulted or did anything worse to anyone. My sins weren't the obvious ones. No, my sins were in the gray area. Pride in my grades. More recently prideful attitude at work. And now I don't have that job anymore. Stubborness is a sin. Self loathing is a sin. Self doubt is a sin. Emotionally and mentally beating up on yourself is a sin. Gossip is a sin. Self reliance is a sin when you refuse to rely on God.
I read a Postsecret book last night and thought "I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I'm going to send in a postcard." Then I thought "Wait a minute, why not just give those things to God instead?" So I wrote them all out in my journal. Good, bad, philosophical. The bad things I was released from. The good things, I was thankful for. And I decided I was still going to send a message to Postsecret (I think I'm going to submit them in an email - it's a lot!) because what I was burdened with might just help someone else. But I didn't need to give them to Postsecret to unburden myself, I had done that by giving it to God.
God is working in my life. Big changes are in the works and I'm trying to be ready for them. A couple weeks ago, I posted about pipe dreams. I've come to the realization that those dreams may not be what God has intended for me. So along with realizing that I have to let go of the reigns, I may have to give up those dreams, because they may not be what God has planned. But I'm also realizing that what God has planned may be beyond my wildest dreams. I have to trust God. I've seen that s/he definitely is working in my life. I've seen evidence that s/he answers prayers. I have to "let go and let God." It's hard. I'm stubborn, I'm independent. But I'm trying.
I also have been thinking of forgiveness. Not just for recent hurts or betrayals, but all the way back junior high, no, elementary school. Today, I started saying the names of people I carried grudges against or still felt hurt by. My ex. The ex-SIL that gave me so much grief when Allen was overseas. People I used to work with that hurt me. People from high school and junior high that hurt me. People from my old church and from college and my frat. Other ex-boyfriends. Family members. And then... I asked God to bless each and every one of them. It's not worth it to hold the bitterness in my heart. It's too ugly for what I want in my heart. And I don't have room for all of that bitterness and resentment and hate. I have to have room for all the Love I want to give. Love of God, Love of Allen, Love of my family and friends. Love of my future family. I don't want that ugliness to touch them. So I want to let it all go. God will take care of them and if s/he sees fit to punish someone, s/he will. It's not up to me. And it's really not something I need to be carrying anymore. The really funny thing is as I said each name, I actually felt lighter!!!!! It's a beautiful thing.