An Answer!

 Well, I got an answer. It wasn't the one I wanted, but it's an answer and I'm relieved to finally. I'm pretty sure Fares blocked me on LinkedIn. His profile is no longer visible to me. Which tells me maybe he DOES remember me and not so fondly. Which is what I wanted to know. 

I'm a little sad, because I didn't want to reconnect and speak with him. But at least now I know he's out there. I guess. I don't know 100% that that was him, but there's a high probability. 

I wish him well. I wish I had gotten to speak with him, but I wish him well in life.

Is there anyone out there?

 I can't tell if this is posting or not. I don't know if anyone is reading this. I'm just putting this out to the Universe. I just realized how hard it is to find me on Google because in North Carolina there are towns with my name. Anyone looking for me is going to get a geography lesson about NC. :/

So if Fares ever looked for me, he would not have found me. I've tried to make myself easier to find, but that still requires him to look again. If he ever looked the first time.

I'm putting this out to the Universe that I want Fares to find me. Please look for me......

So even if no one else is reading this, at least it's out there.

Unfinished Business

 I can't stop thinking about Fares. Several weeks ago I prayed about this situation, because it just wasn't going away. So I prayed. The next morning, something sent me to LinkedIn. I go on there about once every 6 months. It's rare I go there. I searched his name. I typed Fares and before I got 4 letters into the last name a photo popped up. My heart started racing because I think "It's HIM!" I sat on it for a day then decided to be an adult and clicked "connect" with a vague message of "I think I know you". I should have added a little more detail to that in case he saw it in his email and shrugged it off.

That was about 3 weeks ago, maybe 4 now and he hasn't responded. It's still listed as Pending, so he didn't reject me, but he also hasn't responded. 

This is insane, but I cannot stop thinking about Fares. NOT in a romantic way, this was never about that. At least not for me. But I just feel like I need to talk to him. Unfortunately, on LinkenIn, you have to have a premium membership to send messages to someone you are not connected to. BOTH parties have to have it. Since I can't presume he does, I have to wait and see if he ever connects with me.

WHY would I be led to LinkedIn to be sitting in pending purgatory? I keep waiting and praying for his well-being. Because I feel like SOMETHING is pushing me toward reconnecting with him.

Haunted by my poor decisions

 I read a lot. I recently finished a great historical novel about Nancy Wake, who was a soldier in the French Resistance during WWII. Again, a GREAT book, called Code Name Helene. Of course, reading about France brought up the thoughts of of my pen pals, specifically Fares. I'm putting it out there to the Universe that I'd like to find out how he is. But I can't find his letters anymore. I think I lost them in a move ten years ago. And I never knew how to spell his last name properly. So I'm not likely to find him on my own.

I don't know what I expect. Like, what, I miraculously find him, he remembers me fondly, totally forgives me and we are BFF's? I get absolution from him for being an asshole to him almost 30 years ago? But since I have hit a dead end in finding him, he would have to be the one to look for me. And that's not likely to happen, right? Unless he's out there searching for Hope Broadway that went to NC State in the 1990s and lived in Carroll Hall and then Alexander Hall. He probably burnt my letters back in the day after I blew him off and then never thought of me again. Because that's what you do when someone is rude to you. I'm so sorry. You deserved better. I owe you thanks, too, because you DID make me think and you gave me INXS. I hope you are doing well, that you got married to an amazing woman, had 4 kids and now have 8 grandkids and more on the way and have a nice, comfortable life.

I can't even tell if anyone is reading this.

Music

 I posted this meme to Facebook earlier today that said "Empaths don't just listen to music for entertainment it's a spiritual experience when we listen to music we like, it does something to our soul." 

And that is so truth. EVERY thing in my life connects to music. Every experience. Every moment. The song "When I See You Smile" reminds me of the time period just after my dad's death. I was packing to go to my grandmother's for his funeral (he lived in a different town) and that song was on the radio. It was so fitting for the whole situation.

Music is just so tied into my life. I think about college and the music associated with it. 

I think about times with my best friend, a fellow empath. We ALWAYS had music going. 

Music is this beautiful, amazing thing.

What's poppin?

 I don't update this blog nearly as often as I should. It's been almost 4 years since I posted about Fares. Still think about him. That's what I do, overthink and obsess about missteps I made 25 years ago. I still wish I could apologize to him. Would be interested to see where he ended up in life.

Not even sure anyone is out there reading this. If you are, cheers! I hope you're having a good year so far. January has been.... interesting. We did have a good Holiday season, though. My Christmas tree is still up. I left our Easter wreath on the door until November. I probably won't leave the tree up that long.....

We have been able to survive this global pandemic. It's been almost two years. Edgar finished first grade and did all of second grade virtually. My job basically closed down. I went from 40 hours a week to maybe ten. It got crazy scary for awhile, but we made it through. At least it allowed me to stay home with Edgar. I eventually got back up to 20 hours or so a week, partly in the office and partly at home. Since September, I've been back in the office 30 hours a week and Edgar is back in school in-person for third grade. I must admit, I miss being home with him. Allen worked pretty much the whole pandemic, although they did go to a rotation of three days on, six days off in small groups for a little while. No one was in the buildings, so they didn't need to do many repairs, just preventative stuff. Between his salary, stimulus funds and unemployment in 2020, we have managed to get by. We even adopted a pair of cats in 2020 - siblings. A boy and a girl. They've been good companions for Edgar.

We survived, but I have not thrived. Other people were learning new things, baking banana bread and working out. I was not. I've been fighting my anxiety and depression. I've been in my head almost the whole time. There were weeks when I didn't go out, I didn't want to be around people. It was frightening. The politicalization of the pandemic has just been so mind blowing. Like what in the actual fuck is wrong with people?

We lost some people, extended family members, church members.... That was incredibly sad. Just heartbreaking and also enraging, because it was so unnecessary. We've had extended family get the virus and fight it off. We have been so blessed to have avoided it. Part of it is because I stay the fuck at home. When I do go out, I'm masked. I got my vaccine. It's not that hard. I have gotten a lot of reading done and seen some movies, binged a lot of shows on all the streaming services we have. I try not to think about how we can't control our circles. Like we come into contact with my colleagues, Allen's colleagues, Edgar's teachers and classmates. And who are THOSE people coming into contact with. It just widens our circle of exposure. And when I let myself think about it, my anxiety spirals. So I try NOT to think about it and just do what I can to stay safe.

What's scary is I have allergies and they have been acting UP for the past two years. CONSTANTLY. I also get headaches and have other issues. Like I have more issues than Life magazine. and EVERY ONE of them have the same symptoms as the 'Rona. So when it all acts up, I don't know what's going on. So far, though, it's just been my other health issues. No 'Rona in this house! 

I won't even try to talk about all of the unrest in this country. I have seen it and been appalled by it. People deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Recognizing that and being a fucking good human shouldn't be political. So while I don't agree with property damage, I think denying human rights is a lot worse. That said, straight anarchy isn't going to do any cause any good or help the problem. We have to sort this out and fix the problems, though. Pro tip: you can't base your life in hate and call yourself a Christian.

We are here. I'm glad you still are.