my path

God is working in my life. I was raised in a Baptist church. I accepted Jesus at the age of 10 and was baptized then. I grew up being a good girl. I never went through a drinking or drugging or horrible behavior crisis. I got good grades. I went to church regularly. I tried to help people. I never assaulted or did anything worse to anyone. My sins weren't the obvious ones. No, my sins were in the gray area. Pride in my grades. More recently prideful attitude at work. And now I don't have that job anymore. Stubborness is a sin. Self loathing is a sin. Self doubt is a sin. Emotionally and mentally beating up on yourself is a sin. Gossip is a sin. Self reliance is a sin when you refuse to rely on God.
I read a Postsecret book last night and thought "I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I'm going to send in a postcard." Then I thought "Wait a minute, why not just give those things to God instead?" So I wrote them all out in my journal. Good, bad, philosophical. The bad things I was released from. The good things, I was thankful for. And I decided I was still going to send a message to Postsecret (I think I'm going to submit them in an email - it's a lot!) because what I was burdened with might just help someone else. But I didn't need to give them to Postsecret to unburden myself, I had done that by giving it to God.
God is working in my life. Big changes are in the works and I'm trying to be ready for them. A couple weeks ago, I posted about pipe dreams. I've come to the realization that those dreams may not be what God has intended for me. So along with realizing that I have to let go of the reigns, I may have to give up those dreams, because they may not be what God has planned. But I'm also realizing that what God has planned may be beyond my wildest dreams. I have to trust God. I've seen that s/he definitely is working in my life. I've seen evidence that s/he answers prayers. I have to "let go and let God." It's hard. I'm stubborn, I'm independent. But I'm trying.
I also have been thinking of forgiveness. Not just for recent hurts or betrayals, but all the way back junior high, no, elementary school. Today, I started saying the names of people I carried grudges against or still felt hurt by. My ex. The ex-SIL that gave me so much grief when Allen was overseas. People I used to work with that hurt me. People from high school and junior high that hurt me. People from my old church and from college and my frat. Other ex-boyfriends. Family members. And then... I asked God to bless each and every one of them. It's not worth it to hold the bitterness in my heart. It's too ugly for what I want in my heart. And I don't have room for all of that bitterness and resentment and hate. I have to have room for all the Love I want to give. Love of God, Love of Allen, Love of my family and friends. Love of my future family. I don't want that ugliness to touch them. So I want to let it all go. God will take care of them and if s/he sees fit to punish someone, s/he will. It's not up to me. And it's really not something I need to be carrying anymore. The really funny thing is as I said each name, I actually felt lighter!!!!! It's a beautiful thing.