God is working in my life. I was raised in a Baptist church. I accepted Jesus at the age of 10 and was baptized then. I grew up being a good girl. I never went through a drinking or drugging or horrible behavior crisis. I got good grades. I went to church regularly. I tried to help people. I never assaulted or did anything worse to anyone. My sins weren't the obvious ones. No, my sins were in the gray area. Pride in my grades. More recently prideful attitude at work. And now I don't have that job anymore. Stubborness is a sin. Self loathing is a sin. Self doubt is a sin. Emotionally and mentally beating up on yourself is a sin. Gossip is a sin. Self reliance is a sin when you refuse to rely on God.
I read a Postsecret book last night and thought "I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I'm going to send in a postcard." Then I thought "Wait a minute, why not just give those things to God instead?" So I wrote them all out in my journal. Good, bad, philosophical. The bad things I was released from. The good things, I was thankful for. And I decided I was still going to send a message to Postsecret (I think I'm going to submit them in an email - it's a lot!) because what I was burdened with might just help someone else. But I didn't need to give them to Postsecret to unburden myself, I had done that by giving it to God.
God is working in my life. Big changes are in the works and I'm trying to be ready for them. A couple weeks ago, I posted about pipe dreams. I've come to the realization that those dreams may not be what God has intended for me. So along with realizing that I have to let go of the reigns, I may have to give up those dreams, because they may not be what God has planned. But I'm also realizing that what God has planned may be beyond my wildest dreams. I have to trust God. I've seen that s/he definitely is working in my life. I've seen evidence that s/he answers prayers. I have to "let go and let God." It's hard. I'm stubborn, I'm independent. But I'm trying.
I also have been thinking of forgiveness. Not just for recent hurts or betrayals, but all the way back junior high, no, elementary school. Today, I started saying the names of people I carried grudges against or still felt hurt by. My ex. The ex-SIL that gave me so much grief when Allen was overseas. People I used to work with that hurt me. People from high school and junior high that hurt me. People from my old church and from college and my frat. Other ex-boyfriends. Family members. And then... I asked God to bless each and every one of them. It's not worth it to hold the bitterness in my heart. It's too ugly for what I want in my heart. And I don't have room for all of that bitterness and resentment and hate. I have to have room for all the Love I want to give. Love of God, Love of Allen, Love of my family and friends. Love of my future family. I don't want that ugliness to touch them. So I want to let it all go. God will take care of them and if s/he sees fit to punish someone, s/he will. It's not up to me. And it's really not something I need to be carrying anymore. The really funny thing is as I said each name, I actually felt lighter!!!!! It's a beautiful thing.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Pipe Dreams
I have many dreams. I always pictured myself as a rock star. Always. Since I was a child, I've envisioned myself on stage, entertaining. I have a decent voice and I can write pretty good lyrics, but I can't really play an instrument.
I love to write. I have written several short stories lately. And I've been working on a few novels. There are several stories sitting in my head just waiting to be written out. I guess I need to outline them so I don't forget or they don't get tangled into one another. I just worry that what I'm writing isn't good, that it's just a dream that anyone will ever read it and get enjoyment from it.
I picture the house I want to live in. It's two story, made of stone. There's a sort of floating staircase in the room that goes up to the second level, which looks over the living room. The living room is huge, with a sunken area for the couches and a projection screen TV. The screen it projects onto is shaped like a large boat sail. There's several rooms off the living room: the kitchen (equiped with an 8 burner electric range and two ovens as well as a huge island in the middle and a breakfast nook set into a bay window and the laundry room shooting off of that near the garage entrance), a dining room, a work out room, a library with floor to ceiling bookshelves and two chaises to read on and a desk with the computer, a guest bedroom, a full bathroom and a sunroom with banquet window seating and an area for crafts that doubles as a game table and treated windows that you can see out of, but no one can see into. On the second floor, there is a master suite complete with balcony and full bath (with a three person jacuzzi tub) and walk in dressing room, several other bedrooms and bathrooms to go with those, a playroom full of the latest toys that also has four of those big chairs that pull out into single beds and a reading nook at the top of the stairs. I see this house in my head and it sounds a little weird right now, but in my head it's lovely.
I want several vehicles. My dream car is a 1968 dark purple Chevy Camaro. I also want a 4 door Jeep for fun. And a Hybrid for every day driving. I want to get Allen a 1968 Dodge truck, red in color. And of course, we're keeping the Dodge Ram we have now because I love it. So along with the above described house, there's a multi-car garage with storage and a work area for when the cars need attention.
I see all these things in my head. It's what I want. And being in America is all about having dreams. But are these realistic dreams or just pipe dreams? What do I have to do to get these things? Do I have it in me to do it? Should I keep hoping for these things? How do you know when it's time to give up a dream and just let it go? How do you cope when you do have to let a dream go?
I love to write. I have written several short stories lately. And I've been working on a few novels. There are several stories sitting in my head just waiting to be written out. I guess I need to outline them so I don't forget or they don't get tangled into one another. I just worry that what I'm writing isn't good, that it's just a dream that anyone will ever read it and get enjoyment from it.
I picture the house I want to live in. It's two story, made of stone. There's a sort of floating staircase in the room that goes up to the second level, which looks over the living room. The living room is huge, with a sunken area for the couches and a projection screen TV. The screen it projects onto is shaped like a large boat sail. There's several rooms off the living room: the kitchen (equiped with an 8 burner electric range and two ovens as well as a huge island in the middle and a breakfast nook set into a bay window and the laundry room shooting off of that near the garage entrance), a dining room, a work out room, a library with floor to ceiling bookshelves and two chaises to read on and a desk with the computer, a guest bedroom, a full bathroom and a sunroom with banquet window seating and an area for crafts that doubles as a game table and treated windows that you can see out of, but no one can see into. On the second floor, there is a master suite complete with balcony and full bath (with a three person jacuzzi tub) and walk in dressing room, several other bedrooms and bathrooms to go with those, a playroom full of the latest toys that also has four of those big chairs that pull out into single beds and a reading nook at the top of the stairs. I see this house in my head and it sounds a little weird right now, but in my head it's lovely.
I want several vehicles. My dream car is a 1968 dark purple Chevy Camaro. I also want a 4 door Jeep for fun. And a Hybrid for every day driving. I want to get Allen a 1968 Dodge truck, red in color. And of course, we're keeping the Dodge Ram we have now because I love it. So along with the above described house, there's a multi-car garage with storage and a work area for when the cars need attention.
I see all these things in my head. It's what I want. And being in America is all about having dreams. But are these realistic dreams or just pipe dreams? What do I have to do to get these things? Do I have it in me to do it? Should I keep hoping for these things? How do you know when it's time to give up a dream and just let it go? How do you cope when you do have to let a dream go?
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